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Well, it's been a while, hey dA? Things have been a little mixed for me for quite a while, and I've been putting off writing this for a loooong time because it's really tough for me to talk about these things and I'm very nervous (plus I don't like putting too many negative things on here). But I think you guys deserve an explanation for why I've been the way I am, so I'm going to share now that I feel ready.
So, my long time followers may have noticed that I've slowly been decreasing in activity over the last two years or so, either being too busy to work or I've been ill. This is true, school kept me bloody busy like you'd expect it to, but things have been getting worse for me as I got more and more upset in my own head. And for the record, I usually prefer to say that I'm just 'ill' than to go into depth about what I think about.
Things have been very tough for me for about the two years I've started judging myself a lot more than before to a point where it was making me become physically ill from stress. I cut myself off from friends more, I couldn't bring myself to go to cadets and eventually quit so I could focus more at school. Even then it got worse, later that year I ended up staying off from school an entire term because I was getting more and more ill. I had doctors appointments nearly every week, and I ended up failing a class, barely scraping the grades on my other subjects.
When the new year started, things started looking up for a while, but it started to get a whole lot worse. I felt my work was never up to par, and I was an idiot whenever I would do my theory work. I ended up ill from stress again, and eventually we came to a decision that it was best for me to leave because I was so behind on work. This was back in October.
That choice has haunted me for months. I don't think I can think of a day where I haven't thought about how much of an idiot I was for not staying and going to uni like everyone else. I just cut myself off completely from everyone there, I didn't even say goodbye to the teachers or my friends, I haven't even gotten the courage to go back and get my work. My thoughts got destructive (I don't want to elaborate, but there were two times that this was at it's worst), and I was in a more depressed state than I've ever been before in my life. I've never felt more worthless than at that point in my life, that I couldn't do simple tasks properly, making stupid and irresponsible choices and I screwed up everything I tried to do. I was put in counselling for a few months, and while it helped to get out the house to talk to someone about my problems, I feel like I'm still stuck in a hole. A lot of the thoughts are gone, but I still find myself thinking that way every now and again.
It's incredibly hard to talk about this, I'd rather keep all this emotional baggage to myself than be a burden to the people that care for me, that's why it's probably been so hard for me to write this up. I'd rather show a brave face, or stay away than bringing people's mood down. That's why I started getting quite on dA for a while.
I've had some amazing friends help me in this time, and I am incredibly thankful for what you've done, even if it's just being there to talk to when I'm having a bad time coping. It seems so stupid that I'm like this, and every day I hate myself for it, but thinking like that isn't going to help, and I've started to recognise that, and it's helped. Slowly I'm bringing my social side back too which will be one step in my recovery, because that's what it is. As much as I denied it for a long time, it is a serious problem, and take help when I need it.
Through out this time, I have still been doing art, I still do draw and I've done a whole lot that you guys haven't seen. But the thing I've been working on a whole lot is my cosplay. That's becoming a really big focus for me, and it's been helping me out with my thoughts.
I didn't finish Lust in time for May MCM, but I did finish Smaug. Sadly I can't upload the photos here because I don't have permission to, but I can show you on this journal.
Thank you all for your patience with me (especially with commissions, you are absolute saints), I've hardly talked about this in full before, this is the first time I've typed it (and by god I hope the last). I'm so sorry that my return journal is such a bummer, but I needed to get this out if I was ever going to come back properly. But I have now, and I'm going to be active again. Things are going to be slow for a bit (I'm still a nervous wreck at times), but I want to return to updating my art here and start taking part more like I used to. Faded Thunder is still on hiatus until further notice, I'm so sorry it's taken ages but my focus hasn't been on that lately.
Thank you reading this and for your support it means the world to me.
...And just in case it wasn't clear already...